


Scared to Miss You

by pangodillO



Category: Backwards Compatibility, Backwards Compatibility series - Kathryn Farrell
Genre: Fire, Firefighters, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-16 18:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9283805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pangodillO/pseuds/pangodillO
Summary: “Mattie, stop,” Linus said.  "You’re scaring me.  Mattie, Mattie, shh, listen, it was just a dream.  Just a dream, okay?  None of it was real.“He couldn’t scare Linus.  Hecouldn’t.  Matt refused to ever add to Linus’ fear, and that meant he had to calm the fuck downimmediately, had to get his breathing under control.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sentimental_animals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimental_animals/gifts).



> Originally posted [on Tumblr](http://pangodillo.tumblr.com/post/155697682590).

Matt didn’t think about the fire.

There was no time for that, not with his life. Not during the long, painful months of rehabilitation, not while he was scrambling to find work the moment he could do it, and not _now_ —not now that he had better things to think of.

Avoidance worked fine, usually. He got up every day and kissed Linus and made breakfast and tried to keep Kipper from eating _all_ the jam. He kissed Linus, went out, did whatever work he could find, picked up groceries on the way home. Kissed Linus. Made dinner. Kissed Linus. Went to bed. And got up and did it all again the next day, because these were the best years of his life, right here—he couldn’t ask for anything better, and he didn’t think about how he’d gotten here.

It only sometimes caught up to him.

* * *

He’d kept his head when the fire started, of course. It’d have been embarrassing to panic in the middle of what was, after all, his job. No gear, okay, he’d make it anyway. And he did. He made it out of the building, turned back to watch it go down—and heard a scream.

Unidentifiable except for its panic, and Matt hadn’t thought twice—hadn’t thought _once_. Hadn’t needed to. He had a job, and he wasn’t on the clock but the work had come to him and he would not let it go undone. Hands tried to hold him back but he shook them off and plunged back inside the building, found the source of the screams—a kid, standing on a bed, pressed into a corner by a fallen, flaming beam. Matt scooped the kid up, tugged their shirt up over their face, and headed for the door.

It wasn’t like on TV, dodging bits of falling building and leaping through flaming doorways. It was mostly keeping your head down, trying not to breathe too much smoke, trying to see where you were going. Easier with gear, easier with _shoes_ , but he knew his own building and they were in the lobby before it happened.

He tripped. Flung the kid out in front of him because the last thing they needed was two hundred pounds of firefighter falling on them, and shouted, “Run! Keep going, I’m right behind you!” even as he scrambled to his feet.

The kid made it out.

Matt had a burning building dropped on him.

* * *

But he didn’t think about it. It was over. It had brought him here. Here, where he could roll over and wrap around Linus and breathe into his neck, deep slow breaths in the dark. Where there was nothing crushing his ribcage, no searing pain across his back, nothing wedged clear through his leg. Nothing hurt.

“Ugh, get off me, you’re sweaty,” Linus mumbled, shoving at him. 

Matt flopped onto his back, squeezing his eyes shut, tried to stop his eyes from watering. He could still feel the sting of the smoke.

“Mattie?”

Matt gasped for breath. The smoke was choking him, the weight of the building crushing him; he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t breathe, he was going to die here—

“Mattie, stop,” Linus said. "You’re scaring me. Mattie, Mattie, shh, listen, it was just a dream. Just a dream, okay? None of it was real.“

He couldn’t scare Linus. He _couldn’t_. Matt refused to ever add to Linus’ fear, and that meant he had to calm the fuck down _immediately_ , had to get his breathing under control. He held his breath until the smoke smell faded—just his imagination, just a dream—and then he said, "No. It was real.”

“No,” Linus said, and then, “Oh. Th—the fire?”

“The fire.” He was always so much more terrified in the dreams. When he remembered the actual fire, he remembered being glad—at least the kid had got out safe. Being ready for whatever happened. At least he’d die being helpful, doing his job. He’d always known he might.

“I’m sorry,” Linus whispered, and wrapped his hand around Matt’s. 

Matt squeezed, grateful for the grounding touch. What a stupid thing for him to be all broke up about, when Linus had such worse demons on his back all the time. "It’s okay.“

"It’s not okay, look at you—you’re never scared.”

“I get scared.” Matt laced his fingers in Linus’. "I get scared a lot more in the dreams, now, than I did when it was actually happening. I was ready for it, then.“

"No,” Linus protested.

“Yeah. Like, not that I wanted to die, I wasn’t unhappy with my life, I wasn’t depressed or suicidal. But it was my job to risk my life, and when you do that you gotta face up to the chance that your bet might go sour, no matter how many precautions you take. So, my bet went sour, and I was okay, because I’d always known it could. I wasn’t scared. But now…”

“You lived,” Linus said.

“I lived. And I found you, and, baby, I wouldn’t trade you for anything. This whole life—I’m not supposed to be here, I’m not supposed to have ever met you. _That’s_ terrifying. I’m not scared to die. I’m scared to miss out on this—on you.”

Linus was silent for a long time. That was fine; he was here, alive and present and reminding Matt that this was real, that he really got to live this life, that it wasn’t a hallucination spun out in his last moments crushed under that building.

Eventually, sweat or no, Linus turned and curled in against Matt’s chest, pushed him down to horizontal. Matt let him, held him close, let himself just be grateful for Linus’ presence.

“I’m sorry,” Linus whispered into Matt’s skin, almost too quiet to be heard.

“For what, being the best thing in my life?” Matt curled up to kiss his hair. "Don’t be. I’m happy I’m here.“

Linus sighed, and then said, ”…yeah. I am, too.“

**Author's Note:**

> For more of these characters, visit them (and read their canon!) [on Tumblr](http://backwardscompatibility.tumblr.com).


End file.
